This is going to be one massive spoiler thing, so you know, don't read. Even though I don't feel like I owe you this warning, given that I already said spoilers in the description of the blog. I'm just being a nice guy, I guess.
I remember back in 2012, when I still bothered to watch TV, I saw commercials for this movie. I was actually excited; it had been a long time that there was a movie that I wanted to watch. I figured I would get it after it came out on DVD and see it then... course, I only just now watched it today, over two years later. I don't recall them ever saying the film was PG-13, nor did they ever mention the fact that this damn movie was a friggin'
FOUND FOOTAGE FILM.
So now that my expectations are shot to all Hell, let's dive into it. And as a first, I'm going to write down everything as I watch the movie, this way it all comes out raw and unfiltered. Except when I force myself to not curse like some kind of man of the oceans, because that makes me look more professional. On the Internet. Internet professional? Well gee whiz, maybe now I should join some lame review site where I too can make cameos in other peoples videos and come up with unfunny memes to hopefully amass a legion of fans who will take my word as law and keyboard warrior against all who do not find me to be the most amazing guy ever.
First thing we get is a drunk father, the camera pointing at a mirror and the first hint that yes, this is a found footage movie. Then we get a mother who is on oxygen. Good to know this film doesn't start out bleak or anything... but then, maybe this will set the tone for the entire film, right? I mean, just because it's PG-13 doesn't mean it can't be depressing... or rather, trying to force depression. Nah, then it jumps to horrible forced humor with bad music and crap philosophy before going to school. You know, that thing that everybody hates but has to be shown to give the audience who are teenagers, a fact that is now thoroughly pounded into my brain, something to connect to. There is then the amazing section of watching the back of his head as he eats lunch and whiny cheerleaders. I think this is the movies attempt to tell me to get away, because I am way too old for any of this.
And let me make special mention of the bully section. Now, this guy knows he's being filmed slapping this kid while having him in a headlock. He knows he's being filmed kicking the camera. Why did this guy not show this to the principal and get this kid suspended? Better yet, why not have him arrested for damaging his property? Actually, let's turn this into the section in which everything caught on film that should be reported to some authorities is put, because there's a section where he gets smacked around by his drunk father with the camera recording.
Oh look, he said "let me give you a protip". Because isn't using Internet terms in real life just SUPER AMAZING LOL ^_^. Oh, and a mention of blogging too; well now, aren't we a super cool and hip movie. Except for when they go to a rave. You know, that thing which was cool in the 90s. But then maybe it's coming back in an ironic way. Oh dear, I think I just found a hipster connection! Actually, the whole hipster thing is valid since there's a cousin who keeps spouting on about philosophy to make himself sound smarter than he really is.
But you know, I don't understand why they put in these lame party scenes into things. This is exactly the kind of thing that made me groan when they put it into Battlestar Galactica, Caprica and Stargate Universe. It does nothing at all except remind me that I wish something would happen that didn't involve horrible music and white people dancing to it. And like all nerds, he left the party crying. Then he gets led into the woods... this is either going to be the proper start of the movie or this is going to turn into a snuff film. Oh, who am I kidding this is a PG-13; there's not going to be any real hardcore violence.
It then suddenly turns into Prometheus, complete with the black goo. But instead of the bloody nose, I was expecting the thing to grab heads like in SG-1, or at least do some kind of Guyver thing... not just have a crystal glow and them fall down.
Now the movie turns into... Jackass? I guess this is where it's supposed to really kick off with their powers, and yet it's literally just two guys hurting one another and laughing like morons. Actually, saying this is Jackass is an insult to those guys, because they actually hurt themselves in a more creative and sometimes actually funny ways. This is just two guys lobbing things at one another. I'm starting to think the only reason why this even has this kind of rating is for language, because they say shit a whole lot.
Oh no, look at that; I cussed... except I already did when I used the word ass before. Oh dear me, now I will ever be a member of That ScrewAttack Guy With The Reviewtopia or whatever is the cool place to be these days.
AND THEN SUDDENLY LEGO! Because the best way to stay relevant these days for Lego is to appear in this movie and not actually get rid of those stupid licenses that force their sets to be stupidly expensive to the point where only really spoiled little brats with rich parents can buy them. Or really stupid adults with too much money, like with that Death Star II set. But then, fanboys, so...
Oh look, they're trying to make the drunk father into an actual sympathetic character. I wonder how long that's going to last. And now we have the sick mother out, trying to force her son into saying he's "stronger than this". What 'this' is, I don't know. Maybe she means the whole camera thing. Or his raging introversion. I know what that's like, and this lady is trying too hard for something that won't change.
I'm actually starting to like the moments the three main characters are together and just talking about the progression of their powers. It reminds me as to why I wanted to see this film in the first place, rather than be bogged down with all the side crap of this one kids horrible little life.
HOLY SHIT SUDDENLY BAKUGAN. When the Hell was this movie even made? I didn't think Bakugan was even still a thing in most of the world in 2012. Actually, it seems it was; the last series in America ran until very early 2011, so I suppose the toy line was still in stores when they were filming this movie. And that was actually about the only interesting bit of the whole toy story bit.
The small bit in the diner and talking about imagination it making me think of Ressha Sentai ToQger, which shows how much of a Sentai nerd I am. But it does make me wonder if that's really the whole point behind it; is the nerd kid, who is obviously the strongest, simply that because as a nerd with a bad life, he can more easily fall into escapism? Or am I looking too deep into this?
I have to admit, I got a small smirk out of the line "Yes, this time it was the black guy!" and I did laugh at "Ignore us, we're just... Mormons."
And now we have the first real signs that the main character with the shit life is going to abuse the Hell out of his powers. I would make a Dark Side reference, but I'm sure everybody and their mother who has seen this movie already has. Actually, this is really starting to sound like The Force and the Jedi Code in the film, so I guess that's where they were going with this. Especially with the hand motions. Now I'm expecting lightsaber fights every ten minutes...
I also have to admit that the flying bit was pretty cool; I think the CG was better than most films I've seen in a while. Maybe my inner DBZ nerd is showing, but seeing people fly in the skies is always cool, plus their playing catch with a football was neat. As was the near hit with the airliner. Honestly, when it's just them and their powers this film seems to become amazing, a point I made before, but it's just turning out to being more right in my mind with every scene like this. Also, during the sleep over, when they all claimed that the day was the "best ever", I was waiting for somebody,
ANYBODY to say "except that part where the plane nearly killed one of us."
So is blog girl now a secondary character in the film? Is she going to keep popping up, or is this going to be a sub plot that's dropped?
Oh hey, we finally see drunk dad and he seems to be on to the whole powers thing. Or maybe he's just assuming something else. Either way he's more bald than I imagined. But he still has a face you just want to punch.
Okay, blog girl now seems to be a recurring character. Seems this whole thing between her and the wannabe philosophy guy is now a proper sub plot. One can only imagine how this will end. More blog girl after a talent show, in which those rules seem to have been thrown out the window. By now I was expecting this film to get real dark with, I guess his name is Andrew, going crazy from his power, yet everything seems to be going decently well. I wonder what, exactly is going to change that makes him go nutty, like the trailers all suggested.
Okay, now it is going down that path. And what a shock, the cause is his father being an abusive prick, ranting about not having any money because of the sick mother and sending him to school... you know, when he's going to a public school. I know taxes pay for that, but it's not like he's going to a private school. The thing I find funny is he says that, yet he seems to have enough money to get hammered all the time. If this were an R rated film, I'm sure he would have killed his father... but since this is a lame ass PG-13, he just rolls around in pain when Andrew rightfully shows him what pain is.
Well, one of the main characters died via Force Lightning. Going back to Star Wars, because this film seems to want to go there and because I watched the Clone Wars "film" last night, I honestly think this is a better story of the rise and fall of Anakin than the prequels ever were. He gains access to these amazing powers and slowly falls to the darkness within as he grows in control, yet cannot control his feelings.
Now the fun stuff starts, where he starts just using his powers more like anybody really would, rather than in some lame, noble "rules" bound way. Ripping out teeth and talking about how he did it on camera, while not normally a smart idea, is both interesting and to be expected from him. It's not like anybody who finds out could stop him; at this point he is basically the single most powerful being on the planet. Well, okay, singularly he is, but I assume he couldn't fight off an army or a bunch of cops for very long. This isn't DBZ... yet.
Now, I could go on a long, blathering rant right here about how FUCKING WRONG this kid is for thinking that "it means something" that he can do this and comparing it to a lion "not feeling guilty" about eating a gazelle, or a human killing a fly, but I won't. Because anybody with a brain would realize how full of shit he is. I sure hope the writers didn't think seriously about what he was saying... because if they were, and this was serious, then I'm sad. But at least it ended with him crushing a car, so that was saved from stupid with awesome.
Oh look, the "rules" are back. You know, those things that they broke at a talent show and at a party and everybody thought it was cool. And his cousin is making threats, how cute. He always seemed to be the least powerful of them... unless this turns out to be a thing where suddenly he's the most powerful. Is this going to be a Goku thing, where he starts out weaker than the "bad guy" and gets powerful enough to win in the end? Star Wars and DBZ... this movie is making me think weird things.
So what was the point of him putting on the whole firefighter outfit? To hide his identity? Because he's doing a poor job, what with having his backpacking on and not wearing any gloves. I know he's not technically in the system, but if somebody can ID him and they bring him in, they'll take his prints, match it against those he left and have a match. Or he could just use his powers to not leave prints... except he did when he kicked the crap out of those "neighborhood douchebags".
Being a dumbass, Andrew blows up a gun and ends up in the hospital, while drunk dad starts crying. I guess this is another attempt at making him a sympathetic character. Or not, because now he's whining about how he was "always there" for the now dead mother while Andrew was out "screwing around". Because having a life is totally screwing around, right? And he's demanding an apology. And goes on a rant how it's Andrew's fault his mother is dead.
I hope he killed him, I really do. I think so, since his cousin has a nose bleed, the same kind when the other main character was killed by Andrew. Blog girl is also there going on about said nose bleed, too. Ah fuck, he's not dead... I think. He was going to drop the drunk, but his cousin saved him, putting their powers out in public, so this may get real good. Except not because a helicopter just crashed off screen; that's gonna be the level of violence, huh. And it's getting all shaky cam now.
Oh, so that's how it ends, his cousin impales him on a huge lance. Which isn't as cool as it sounds, because they weren't fighting; Andrew was just standing there, screaming and powering up, so his cousin used a statue's spear to stab him. Then he flew to CGI Tibet and the movie ended.
Well then... this was basically a high school power fantasy that turned into a mix of DBZ and Star Wars. It made for a better downfall of Anakin Skywalker movie than the prequels ever could have been, but at the end of the day it was held back by its rating. It could have been an amazing film if it were given the freedom an R rating could have given. Too bogged down by teenage nonsense with a bad ending, the film is decent... but not what I was hoping for.